Vasectomies and Christmas Trees: When Balls are Just for Decoration

Because my article about circumcision was so well received I was encouraged to stay on the subject of male genital mutilation, and write about another common procedure: Vasectomy. My goal is not to try to scare men away from this drastic form of birth control. After all, I think just the thought of someone coming at this precious part of a man’s anatomy while brandishing needles, scissors, and knives is enough to send most guys into a duck and cover posture. According to studies, about 5%-10% of men regret following through with this operation. Half of the guys who have been sterilized keep it a secret. That being stated, my readers only had a one in fifty chance of getting this article out of me; a man who regrets having this done, and isn’t afraid to admit it. So, read on.

The idea of this procedure was born in the mind of a man named Sir Ashley Cooper who experimented on dogs and rabbits, most likely because when it comes to sexuality, these particular mammals are most similar to human males. The feminine first name of this pioneer of the vasectomy makes me suspicious that it was actually a woman-in-disguise who pioneered this operation, in light of the fact that having this procedure performed is more times than not the brain-child of “Wifey.” The rest of this article will include some strategies and defensive dialog tips that will help you protect yourself when she confronts you with this brain-storm more accurately defined as a brain-fart. Around the world, tubal ligation is five times more likely to be the chosen method of surgical sterilization. Although, in England where a woman rules, vasectomies also rule. My wifey, an American woman, is of English decent: Coincidence? I don’t think so…The deck was stacked against me from the start. Here is a plan, my fellow man…To turn the tables:

Preemptive Strike- You have only one shot at this once-and-for-all solution to getting yourself and your balls off the hook. Because it is very simple, especially when a woman has a Cesarean section, to have her tubes tied immediately after child birth, if there is any chance that this will be your final round of procreation, then prepare your wife to give her doctor the green light to seal up the rest of those eggs in the basket…Keeping them out of the incubator. Be the first to say “C’mon Hun, there’s really nothing to it.” If that train has already left the station; too bad. There is no way you will be able to convince her that it is easier for her to be sterilized than it is for you, once she has left the hospital. Men can get a vasectomy in about twenty minutes, with a local anesthetic. It is a much bigger deal for a woman who would need general anesthesia, and a lot more time for this more invasive surgery. You missed this golden opportunity? Well, this crucial battle to save the lives of billions of innocent sperm isn’t over until the fat lady sings; “You Rolled Out Your Tanks, But They Only Shoot Blanks” Study this script and you may come out in tact:

Wifey- C’mon you baby, there’s really nothing to it. The Doctor will prescribe some Vicadin. You won’t feel a thing from the operation, or from the abrasions on your neck from the cone you’ll have to wear, only for a few days…If you think you can keep from licking the sutures.

Fertileman- Yeah, unless I fall into the 10%-35% margin of men who end up with Post-Vasectomy Pain Syndrome. That can go on for a lifetime after the pain pill script runs out. It varies in intensity and duration, but can be brought on by intercourse, or physical exertion. Would you rather make love or shovel snow?

Wifey- I’m willing to take my chances with that. But, if I knew there was no chance of getting knocked up again, and I didn’t have to bother with any of those other inconvenient forms of birth control, I would definitely be into doing it a lot more often.

Danger Will Robinson! – The promise of more action in the bedroom can convince a man to shave the hair off his ass with a dull razor, breaking the skin in some spots, and then soaking it in rubbing alcohol. Stand your ground on this; it’s her most effective attack…Your answer should be:

Fertileman- Sounds good in theory, but what happens if like the majority of men that have vasectomies, I end up losing my sex drive? (This is a blatant lie, there are no reports of any loss of libido after this operation, but if you think she has any intention of paying off on that bribe with more nookie, then you are as dumb as she thinks you are. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.)

Wifey- That’s BS! No one looses their sex drive after a vasectomy. (Damn it! She’s not as dumb as you think she is.)

Fertileman- What if we change our minds and decide we want another baby?

Wifey- Well, for about seven grand you could have it reversed. They’ve even invented a “valve” that can be placed in the vas deferens and turned on and off.

Fertileman- I think the only thing that could be more asinine than letting someone slice and dice my genitals, is paying someone $7,000.00 to do it again. Besides, if I go too long before a reversal, I can develop a sperm killing antibody so I wouldn’t even be a candidate for this procedure that is only 60%-70% successful anyway. Not to mention, a vasectomy causes problems with the sperm that could lead to birth defects should we conceive after the reversal operation. I would rather freeze some sperm first. Or better yet, adopt a child. What’s so great about my DNA anyway?

Wifey- Nothing; so you’re a lunatic if you think I’m birthing any more of your rug-rats. If you can’t do this one little thing for me, after all I’ve been through with pregnancy, and labor and delivery, bringing our children into the world, then your selfish ass can spend the night on the couch.

Fertileman- Fine then.

So go ahead, you and your sperm spend a lonely night or two on the couch. Before you know it she’ll be at the drugstore refilling that birth control prescription and the next argument will be over whose turn it is to change the baby’s diaper. Just hold out until she goes through menopause. If by then your selfish stubbornness in combination with her anger and depression for nature’s act of making HER sterile, which is not only known to happen to women at this time in their lives, but can actually be a similar psychological side effect occurring in men soon after a vasectomy, causes her to no longer want you or your DNA. When she gives you the boot then at least you will still be able to join the ranks with men like Tony Randall, Rod Stewart, and my Great Grandfather who have sired children in their past-fifty years.